


So How Did You Two Meet?

by Asexual_Ravioli, ladymacbethsspot



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Meetings, M/M, Meet-Ugly, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 20:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13725696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asexual_Ravioli/pseuds/Asexual_Ravioli, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymacbethsspot/pseuds/ladymacbethsspot
Summary: Erwin lost a bet. Hanji sees it through.





	So How Did You Two Meet?

**Author's Note:**

> For the Eruri Valentine's Weekend.

When they arrived at the sperm bank, Hanji went into the reception area with him to be sure Erwin didn’t chicken out. There was no way, after all this, they would let Erwin off the hook.

 

Hanji had done all the legwork--and there was a lot of it. Twenty-five pages of questions. Hanji even had to call Erwin’s mother for some of them. In retrospect, she was a very nice woman. At first it was difficult to get some of the more personal information (family medical history, a photo of Erwin as a child), but once their bet had been explained she was more than willing to oblige.

 

It was no surprise that Erwin was nervous, but Hanji’s death-grip on his arm ensured that they marched directly up to the front desk. Up to the serious-looking dark-haired man staring angrily at his computer screen.

 

Hanji took charge, reading that man’s name tag. “Levi! This man needs to give you his seed.”

 

Erwin gasped, the blood draining from his face, and tried to clamp a hand over Hanji’s mouth, only to be expertly batted away. The man turned to face them slowly. He looked at Hanji, shaking his head silently. He looked at Erwin, up, then down, and shook his head again.

 

“Do you have an appointment?” Levi drawled, turning back to the computer screen.

 

“Yes, for one, Erwin Smith. That’s S-M-I-T-H.”

 

“I gathered that, yes.” The man poked at his keyboard, “Ah, okay, here you are. Wait, you said that was S-M-I-T-H, right? No silent Q or anything?” He arched an eyebrow, chuckling to himself. Erwin stared intently at his shoes.  

 

“Nope!” Hanji said happily.

 

“I’ll get your file. Meet me by the door to your left.” The man stood, disappearing into the office.

 

“Hanji,” Erwin said. “Do you have to make this the most mortifying day of my life?”

 

“Of course. I won the bet.” Hanji turned to look up at Erwin, smiling widely. “He’s cute, don’t you think?”

 

“Now is not the time to think about how cute someone might be.” Erwin dragged a hand over his face.

 

“Remember what we’re here for, Erwin.” Hanji jabbed an elbow into Erwin’s ribs, wiggling their eyebrows.

 

“Jesus Christ.”

 

The door to their left opened. Levi stood, holding a binder. Out from behind the desk, his small stature was much more obvious. The short sleeves of his top reaching almost to the elbows of well-muscled arms. Hanji gave him a quick once-over, jabbing Erwin painfully in the ribs again.

 

“Follow me,” Levi said wearily, turning to lead them down the hall.

 

Hanji looked over at Erwin, ready to offer words of encouragement. But he looked distracted- his eyes fixed firmly to the perky form of Levi’s ass moving beneath thin fabric. Hanji leaned close to Erwin, whispering loudly, “He’s got a nice butt, huh?”

 

“Shut up!” he said, shoving them.

 

Levi turned at the commotion, glaring at them both, and continued to walk. He opened a small door and ushered them into a room with three uncomfortable-looking metal chairs, and a small desk, motioning for them to both take a seat as he took his own place behind the desk.

 

“Do you have any questions?”

 

Hanji inhaled, ready to unleash a torrent of weird questions.

 

“No, Hanji,” Erwin added quickly. “I’m okay.”

 

Levi looked at them both. He took a deep breath before beginning, rattling off a series of quick instructions. “Okay, well I’ll go over it quickly then. It’s really not _hard_. Until you make it _hard_ , then it’s easy. You’ll go into another room. Don’t be nervous, you won’t be _thrust_ into anything, it’s very _private_. There’s a, let’s say, _package_ , of reading material and videos you can choose from. So, just have a _ball_ , or _two_. Now, when you’re doing this, don’t get too _cocky_. We’re just looking for a sample at this stage, so _pull out_ your best effort but don’t be a _jerk off_ and leave a big mess.”

 

“That’s a lot to take in,” Hanji said.

 

“Good one!” Levi answered, tapping a pen on the binder for emphasis.

 

“Oh,” Hanji responded, giggling.

 

“If you’re ready,” Levi said, “the room is just across from us. That’s where the magic happens.”

 

Erwin got up quickly. He stepped into the hall, getting as far as his hand on the doorknob of the room Levi had indicated before he was interrupted.

 

“Wait!” Hanji said. “Are you sure they’ll have…” they lowered their voice, “stuff you’ll like in there?”

 

“Hanji…” Erwin sighed in exasperation.

 

“Because I brought stuff!” They reached into their bag, pulling out dozens of male porn mags.

 

Hanji saw Levi’s eyes widen.

 

“I wasn’t sure which you liked best so I got an assortment- do you want to start with Oklahomo or Bat Dude and Throbbin?”

 

“Oh, God,” Erwin said, reddening. He started opening the door just to get away from them.

 

Levi chimed in, “Oh, also, looks like there’s one question that I was meaning to get answered.”

 

Erwin closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “What. Is. It?”

 

“Circumcised or uncircumcised?” Levi asked, fixing Erwin with a blank stare, pen poised over paper.

 

“Circumcised.”

 

Levi nodded, but made no move.

 

“Are you going to write that down?” Erwin prompted.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Hanji hooted, slapping their bag of porn.

 

Erwin shook his head. He was about to turn the doorknob.

 

“Oh. One more thing.” Erwin turned to face them both, a pained look on his handsome features. Levi pulled a small plastic jar from his pocket, slamming it on the desk.

 

“Alright,” Levi said. “Fill ‘er up!”

 

There was a long silence.

 

“What, do you need another one?”

 

More silence.

 

“Bad joke,” he said, not looking the least bit sorry.

 

Erwin reached out, snatching the jar up as quickly as he could and hurrying to open the door to the other room. As he stepped in he heard Levi comment to Hanji, “Over under on how long he’s in there?”

 

“Ooh,” Hanji said.

 

Erwin slammed the door.

 

Once Erwin had left, Levi and Hanji sat in silence for a few moments. Levi sat writing something. When Hanji peeked, they saw he was drawing dick after dick. Very detailed renditions.

 

“So, uh, you learn a lot about male anatomy in this job, huh?” Hanji asked, attempting to break the awkward silence.

 

Levi looked up slowly. “I guess- learned that pee is stored in the balls.” Hanji snorted, covering their mouth.

 

“But seriously though,” they continued, scooting their chair over and crowding close to the desk, “I have questions! Where do you keep it all? How do you keep it fresh?”

 

Levi blinked, leaning back. “We freeze it.”

 

“How do you decide who gets which sperm?”

 

“That’s above my pay grade.”

 

“How many little swimmers are in those samples?”

 

“Well…” Levi paused, leaning forward conspiratorially, “you know there’s actually somewhere between 15 and 200 million sperm per milliliter of semen.” Hanji’s eyebrows shot up.

 

“Really?! That many?”

 

Levi nodded, a satisfied smirk on his face.

 

“How do you put it in the woman?”

 

Levi grew serious. “That’s not my area of expertise.”

 

“How much sperm do you use on each egg? Is there someone who counts them out? How do you count sperm? Will Erwin’s load make 200 million babies-”

 

“Alright, that’s enough,” Levi interrupted, his eye twitching.

 

“Aw.” Hanji deflated. They sat for a few moments. Levi shifted in his seat.

 

“So, what brings you two here anyway? I usually just see guys come in alone.”

 

Hanji looked over. “I won a bet,” they answered with a wide smile.

 

Levi whistled. “That’s some bet. What if you’d lost?”

 

“No coffee for a month! There was no way I was going to let Erwin win, this was way too important. So anyway...you think Erwin’s hot?”

 

“Where did that come from?”

 

“That doesn’t answer my question,” they said coolly.

 

“Hmm, Blondie?” Levi said. “Yeah, I’d climb that big ass tr--”

 

The door to the private room opened. Erwin stepped out, looking noticeably calmer, holding the closed plastic jar.

 

“Put it here,” Levi said, pointing to the desk.

 

Erwin set it down. There was a long moment where all three of them contemplated it. Finally, Levi stood from behind the desk.

 

“Well, I think we’re all finished here. I’ve got everything I need.”

 

Erwin held out his hand for Levi to shake. Levi stared at it, unmoving.

 

“Oh.”

 

Erwin and Hanji started to leave. Before they’d gotten out the door Hanji dashed back up to Levi and whispered in his ear, “That number I wrote on the form is Erwin’s cell. He likes men. He’s single.”

 

 

 

Levi called the next week. “Is this Erwin Smith? It’s Levi. From the sperm bank? I’m gonna need another sample. Say my place? Friday night?...Sorry. Bad joke.”

 

Erwin choked on his coffee. Spluttering for a moment before responding with a raspy, “Excuse me?”

 

 

 

Sliding into the booth opposite Erwin, Levi picked up the menu.

 

“It’s good to see you Levi.” Erwin greeted him.

 

“Yeah, you too.” Levi stared at the cocktail list. “Oh, by the way, I got your text. Don’t worry, there was an issue with your paperwork, we ended up destroying the sample.” He looked up, winking at Erwin.

 

Erwin breathed a deep sigh of relief.

 

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> It was a labor of love.
> 
> Find us on tumblr: 
> 
> [ladymacbethsspot](https://ladymacbethsspot.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [erurink](https://erurink.tumblr.com)


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